Hey there,
How you holding up?
We had a bit of a day after we spoke last. The World-Builder and I ended up having to drive to town to look at washing machines. Which I was super offended about. Having to get a new washing machine after all of the other major appliances that have decided to die in the last year was in no way on my to do list. I was really hoping that we could have been able to fix it, but the cost for just the parts this time, was halfway to the cost of a new washer. Since this was the third time it has broken down since we bought it six years ago, your dad absolutely refused to try and fix it again. So, we loaded up to begin the search for a washing machine, with the World Builder driving. Not ten miles down the road, the World Builder suddenly swerved a little. A maneuver immediately followed by a loud thump. Then before I could say, “What in the world was that?!” Frank starts yelling, “Did you see that?! That deer came out of the woods, looked me dead in the eyes and then charged right at the car!” I decided that I would just process that statement at a later date, and quickly had the World Builder pull over so that we could assess the damages from the impact. From the sound of it, I thought for sure there was going to be a call to the insurance company in my future. Which part of me was annoyed about after all of the chaos around here. But the other part of me thought, “Well, maybe I could get a new car out of the deal. That would be nice.” Once the World Builder had the car stopped and the flashers going I stepped out and around to see how bad the damages were going to be. Would you like to hazard a guess about how bad the damages were? On the side door, right there in the middle, there was a good long streak of….dirt and snot. That was it. For as hard as it felt like that deer hit the car, it apparently didn’t do a bit of physical damage.
You may be wondering at this point about the deer. Well, to hear Frank tell it, no sooner did the deer impact the car than it knocked the deer clear off its feet and it tumbled through the air before landing in the gravel on the other side of the road. It then stood up, shook the dirt off its coat, gave Frank the evil eye and rushed off into the woods. I did not actually see the deer myself since it was on the other side of the vehicle and it ran off so quickly afterwards, so I can neither confirm nor deny the facts of Frank’s claims.
Once we had established that we were not getting a new vehicle and the only major change to our plans was that we now needed to include a car wash on the to do list, we continued along our way.
I had done some research before we left and I had narrowed the options for replacement down to a top three options from what the store had in stock. So, once we arrived, the hope was that it wouldn’t take too long to decide between those three choices. Long story shorter, it took longer than I would have liked. And not just because Frank got distracted by all of the paint color selections and had to keep bringing us color strips to get an opinion on whether or not we thought that Golden Sandbar or Sunlit Dune would be the best color to repaint his cottage. Also, whether or not we thought that he should paint the shutters Mountain Horizon or Stratosphere Blue. (Pretty sure he didn’t even like the color of Stratosphere blue. He just loved the fact that the name included the word stratosphere.) I had thought for just one minute that maybe I could focus on making a decision on the washing machine, when Frank let out an exalted whoop of delight and grabbed my hand. Before I could ask, he began dragging me with him as he declared, ‘I’m starving!’ It was at that point I realized what the hullabaloo was all about. Frank had realized that the snacks section was directly across from the major appliances. We then spent the next thirty minutes investigating the ingredients of EVERY. SINGLE. SNACK item in that store before Frank finally conceded that the perfect snack was just not to be found and he wandered off in the direction of what he called ‘the alibi provision zone.’ (I was not even going to ask what he meant by that. Who knows what bizarre response he might offer me in return.)
On the bright side, this did give me time to make a decision on a washing machine and get the slip made up before Frank returned. We didn’t realize at first that it was Frank we were hearing. At first all we could hear was this awful, loud, scraping noise that practically echoed off of the ceiling. And then, we saw Frank. He was dragging behind him the largest, pinkest flamingo I had ever seen. He sported a huge, crooked grin that was offset by the longest piece of red licorice that I have ever seen, which was hanging out one side of his mouth, as he needed both hands to pull this giant flamingo with him. I’m sure my mouth was hanging open, and that was before my eyes focused on the two employees that were practically running in an effort to catch up with him. The one was semi-successfully trying to steer one of those flatbed carts in front of him. The other was panting as she tried to close the gap between her and Frank. “Sir. Sir. Can we offer you a cart?!” I could hear the panic and desperation in her voice as she was probably envisioning, as I was, the consequences of allowing Frank to continue dragging this giant, metal, flamingo throughout the store. Thankfully, knowing Frank as I do, I saw the look of intent to refuse on his face, so I quickly pivoted and said, “Why yes! Thank you so much! That is so very sweet of you. Isn’t it Frank?” Then, I gave him a quick elbow in the ribs and put on my mom face so that he would know that I was serious. Thankfully, he was smart enough to get a clue and thanked the employees for their thoughtfulness. He then proceeded to load up the flamingo on the cart at such a precarious angle that I doubted its ability to remain on the cart on the trip to the checkout. When I questioned Frank about this, he proceeded to tell me that this was the flamingo’s last chance to fly before it was grounded. (Meaning anchored into the ground, I think.) I chose to refrain from asking any more questions. I was too tired to want to do ANYTHING that would encourage Frank to think of something else that he could get up to before we left the store. With the help of the staff, (who I suspect were still hanging around in an effort to encourage us towards the checkouts), we steered Frank quickly towards the checkouts.
I was a little concerned that we were going to have to go back in for some kind of tie-downs to secure the flamingo to the top of the van, but thankfully, we were able to get both the washing machine and the flamingo in the back of the van. (Maybe it was some of that Time Lord magic, lol.) And that is the story of how I survived the first washing machine experience with Frank….
Love,
The Author
Jamison’s Note’s: I have since learned that the flamingo’s official designation is “garden décor.” Based on the level of enthusiasm demonstrated by Frank, I believe this classification warrants further review.
I did, for the record, attempt to determine what Frank meant by the phrase “alibi provision zone.” I regret to report that my investigation generated more questions than answers.
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