Beyond the box of chocolates series
In my last post, What Love Is, I addressed the heart and soul of what love is. My own definition of what is love, is: Love is a gift of personal sacrifice freely given. In this post I want to look at the other side of the coin and address what is love not? Some of which might be readily discerned by considering the opposite of my above definition. Love is freely given, so if it’s not freely given, it can’t be love. Love involves personal sacrifice, so if there is no personal sacrifice-be that a sacrifice physically, emotionally or financially, if it doesn’t require the gift of time, effort, touch, positive words or a physical gift, it’s not love. And that’s just the beginning. Hang with me and together we can learn more about what love is not.
Love is not a ‘fair exchange’
When we think of something as being โfairโ, we think of it as being equal. When kids are getting ice cream for example, it is only โfairโ that they have the exact same amount of ice cream, the same amount of sprinkles. For it to be โfairโ, it must be comparatively the same. When we think of love, we have to throw โfairโ out the window.
From a Christian standpoint, in regards to ultimate love, how can we possibly offer to God a โfairโ exchange for what He has already given us? He tells us straight up in His Word that we have been saved by grace and not of ourselves. That is a gift, not as a result of something that we can actually do. We can never offer up a fair exchange for what God has given to us. We will never be able to make ourselves be without sin. Our fleshly bodies make that impossible. We canโt even save ourselves, let alone anyone else. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we do, we can never earn our own redemption, let alone redemption for anyone else. Not to mention that God Himself is without sin, so there is nothing He needs to be atoned for.
In regards to people and a fair exchange, how could we ever decide what would make love fair? What has a certain value to one person, may have a completely different value to another. There is no standard of measure that would enable us to be able to make love a fair exchange. And even if we tried, could we really call it love if it is more of a transaction?
Love is not something that can be earned
The answer to this one lays right in the definition. Love IS the gift of personal sacrifice freely given. So what does it mean to have to earn something? According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of earn is: “to receive as return for effort and especially for work done or services rendered.” Looking at this definition I noticed straight off, that to earn something you have to first do something. That means that it can never be a gift. Growing up I really struggled with feeling like I had to earn the affections of others. I couldn’t understand why no matter what I did, I could never make my parents happy with me. I felt like if I could just try harder, do more, be more of what they wanted then they would show that they loved me. But it never came to be enough. Now, in some ways, this is an over simplification from the standpoint of a child. As an adult I do understand that we do not all show and receive love in the same way. But that’s a story for anther day.
Love is not a “ONe and done” encounter
A โone and doneโ encounter. When Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice of Himself for us, God wasnโt like, โHere you go, I died for you, what more do you want?โ He says in Deutronomy 31:6
โBe strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.โโ -โญโญDeuteronomyโฌ โญ31โฌ:โญ6โฌ โญNASB1995โฌโฌ
Love is not Refusing to forgive
I donโt think itโs really possible to fully talk about what it means to love without also talking about forgiveness. Love and forgiveness are inexplicably linked together. Loving people means forgiving people.
Love is not self serving
To be self serving is basically the opposite of Love. Love means sacrificing for another freely, putting their needs before your own. Self serving on the other hand is putting concern for oneโs self before the needs of others. These two things cannot exist in harmony.
I’m sure if we worked together, we could all come up with even more examples of what love is not. Each of us I imagine have unique experiences that have shown us clear examples of things that are NOT love or loving. I think in some ways the simplest method of discerning whether or not an action is born out of love is to ask ourselves: What did it cost? Did it cost the other person time, effort, expense, touch, positive words or a personal sacrifice of some kind? If the answer to that is not yes, than maybe it’s not really love. Love means sacrifice. A gift of personal sacrifice FREELY given. Anything else is an imitation. Please share your thoughts and feedback on this topic in the comments below.
Coming soon: What love looks like
Please check out my first FREE printable on What Does The Bible Say About Love? Listed below.
Merriam-Webster definition of Earn
Visual concept created in collaboration with Gemini AI
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