While none of us want to think of grieving during the holiday season, grief does not take a break during the holidays. In fact, for most of us, I think holidays can be a catalyst that amplifies our grief at times. I know for myself, Christmas time is especially difficult. I often find myself caught between all of the memories of what were and all of the potential memories that will now never be. All of the little moments that Kate has missed and all the little memories that will never come to be. I will never get to see her delight in buying little gifts for her nieces and nephews. She will never have children for me to be able to buy gifts for and cuddle with and love on. I will never again hear her “proper” voice at Christmas telling the little people of the time make sure that they say ‘please’ when asking for a cookie or to use their manners. I won’t hear her laugh. Or see her smiling eyes. Or eat her special gluten free sugar cookies that really were the best gluten free sugar cookies that I’ve ever tasted. Or a million other things.
Grieving isn’t just about what we’ve had that is now gone forever. It’s also about all of the loss of all that could have been. All the things that we’ve hoped for or prayed for. All of things for which we have had expectations. All gone. In some cases it can mean the loss of traditions that either our person did or that we just no longer have the heart for now that they are gone. Some of the traditions may return in time. But they will never be the same again. They will all be transformed in some way by the absence of our person or people.
It’s important during these times to give ourselves time and permission to grieve. So important. I really can’t stress how important it is. Personally I have found that grief will not be denied. It will rise up and manifest itself whether I give it permission to or not. The difference is, when I step back and tell the grief, ‘Ok, I see you.’ And allow myself to feel those feelings, take those feelings to the Lord and let Him move in me, I can feel the pressure inside of me lesson. When I try to hold it in, try to stop it from coming to the surface for longer and longer periods of time, the pressure inside of me just grows and grows. I become angry and volatile. Sometimes to the just completely irrational point and in those moments, I won’t even know what I am angry about. All I know is that I feel like a volcano that is about to burst. It isn’t until I recognize the cause, the grief and give it the attention that it needs that I am able to get any kind of relief from it.
A few days ago I had a bad day. Without realizing it, (also known as subconsciously blocking it out) I had been back to shoving as many of my emotions in a closet as I could and that closet door was rattling hard. I felt so much pressure inside of me that I felt like I was going shake into pieces. Still not wanting to look at the actual cause, I just went to hide in the arms of my Savior. I sat down, pulled out my Bible and let Him pull me close. I read, I stumbled through some probably incoherent prayers and then I just sat there and opened that closet door and let it all wash over me.
Grief is a weird thing. It seems like the more you deny it, the more you ignore it, the bigger and louder it gets. But when you look it straight in the eye and even straight up tell it, ‘I see you.’ It gets calmer. It gets a little quieter. But it will not be denied.
Give yourself space to grieve this holiday season. Acknowledge your loss. Acknowledge your feelings. Give yourself the space you need to breathe. Lay all of your emotions before God. He’s a big God and He can handle all of your emotions; big and small. Even the angry and unreasonable ones. He knows what you are going through. His heart hurts for you. He will carry you through every step of the way. You are never alone.
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