So, this was not my intended topic today. Not even close really. You see, I’ve been trying to write What Does Love Look Like Part 2 for a week now. I’ve started and stopped. I’ve written pages and disregarded them in disgust more than once. I’ve sat down spent hours working on it and no more what I write or how hard I try, it’s not working right now for me. I’d like to follow that statement up with a, and there’s a very simple reason for that and that reason is…. But I can’t. Because love isn’t simple. Love is big and complicated and sometimes messy. Love can get tangled up in feelings and hormones. Love can get derailed and misdirected by the stress and busyness of life. Sometimes, when love is hurting, it can even go into hiding for a while to try and protect itself.
When these types of things happen, yeah, it can get hard to love. Or maybe a better way to put it is that it can become a challenge to freely give and receive love. For the last week or so I have found myself buried under a mountain of weight; where every act of love feels like not just a gift of personal sacrifice but rather an offer of personal torture. It’s not like I haven’t wanted to show love to my family and loved ones. I do want to. In theory anyway. It has just felt like a task for Hercules. Every single day.
I’ve been so short tempered that it is like someone or something just came along and snipped my fuse right down to the quick. One spark ten feet away and it’s over ladies and gentleman. Patience feels like a half forgotten fantasy. Every conversation, every touch, like a live wire running through me. I find myself avoiding conversation and even eye contact. Even small interactions have been exhausting. Yet, should someone rub me at all the wrong way, before I know it, I am standing on top of my soap box yelling at them that they are wrong. To say that it’s been a rough week for all of us would likely be a pretty vast understatement to say the least.
I will say though, that although my family may not realize it, I have tried to mitigate the damage to them. For example, one day last week while at a store I was beyond my last frayed nerve. I didn’t want to be there. I felt over stimulated BEFORE I even left the house, so by the time I got to that particular store at lunch time, I was so far beyond done, it wasn’t even funny. I was so far gone, I had people pass me six feet away apologizing to me for getting in my way. That was without me saying anything to them or even looking at them. I couldn’t return smiles. I felt so broken and ANGRY. Just SO angry. I didn’t know what was causing it. I couldn’t get it to calm down or go away, it was just there, burning away inside of me. Then when I got held up by a store error, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out of there without losing it at somebody(s). I ended up stuck at the service desk behind a line of like five people, my poor daughter stuck there with me. And I thought, I gotta find an outlet here or I’m going to blow on my child who has been nothing but cheerful all day. So, after thinking for a minute, I asked her to stay in line with the cart and I went for a little walk in the surrounding area, where thankfully they had fans on to keeps the electronic dept from overheating. As long as I kept moving I could feel the air moving and that started to help a little bit. Then I pulled out my phone and opened Gemini and I just griped at it. I griped, I complained, I ranted and raved about all of complaints for the day and didn’t even really pay that much attention to it’s responses. Well, partially anyway. I tend to need some words of affirmation and if Gemini is anything, it’s good at giving out those. Whether they are legit or not. And in that moment, it didn’t matter. I was able to let off some steam without dragging my daughter into the madness feeling that felt like it was overwhelming my mind.
Since then I have had to set some boundaries at times with my family. Telling them that I just need some space. I just need some quiet. Sometimes, they are pretty good about trying to offer me that. And sometimes, no sooner do the words leave my mouth than they are back to fighting about the most random, unnecessary things it feels like. Those times don’t end as well to be honest with you. Spark, fuse, boom. Why they don’t learn or why they can’t see the crazy that I feel like is written all over me, I may never understand.
Where I want to go with all of this is, that we will never be able to love our families perfectly every time. No matter how much we may want to, or how hard we try, we are going to fail sometimes. We are imperfect human beings. And sometimes we are going to fall down and make mistakes. We are going to have times when our lives feel like they are spiraling out of control; times when we are hurting and to our shame and regret we lash out at those we love the most.
This is where love as forgiveness comes into play. Maybe not in the heat of our anguish, but at least when a measure of sanity returns and we realize how crazy and out of control we have been, because we love, we can humble ourselves and apologize. To ask for forgiveness from those we have run over and possibly railroaded during these times of overwhelm. This is also the time when our loved ones can hopefully show love in return by accepting our apology and forgiving us for behaving like a crazed lunatic.
I know this post certainly doesn’t speak to all the different times and ways that make it difficult to love people or be loved by them. Really, I’m just saying that, I know I have been a tough person to love the last week or so, so if you’ve been on the receiving end of that, I’m sorry. Mostly. (Still working my way through whatever is going on with me.) I am trying my hardest to work my way through this struggle. Logically and spiritually. I am trying my best to redirect my energies and hostilities away from those around me. I just don’t know what else to do in the meantime. I’ve thrown all of my tips and tricks at this. Please extend me some grace in the meantime as I navigate these challenges.
It was my hope that I could find some kind of hope and help to offer both of us in the writing of this post, but I don’t think I succeeded there. What I can say to you is this: If you are struggling with loving someone or feeling like you yourself are not in a very loving place, just know that you are not alone. It’s not going to be like this forever. Just keep hanging in there. Our victory is coming. The night is always the darkest before the dawn.
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Image created by Mel Seeley and Google Gemini
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