Lately I have really been thinking about how I want my writing to incorporate how much I have relied on God to get me through. God has carried me through so many things in life. One thing that stands out in my mind that I feel is important and should be included, is this one time…. I was sitting in the drivers seat, looking through watery blurry eyes to the road before me; my head a heavy block upon my shoulders. I had one hand with a tight grip on the wheel and the other holding a Kleenex to my perpetually dripping nose.
Internally, a war waged between despair and hopelessness, and the knowledge that I couldn’t give up. I found myself clinging to the smallest imaginable speck of faith. I remember crying out to God. Begging Him for healing from the crippling allergies and migraines that was making my existence on this earth basically unbearable. Yelling out to Him, so angry that He was allowing me to go through this misery. So mad because I wanted so badly to just die, to just be done with life. And yet knowing that my time here on this earth wasn’t over and that I was needed. I remember the overwhelming feeling that I was so low, so broken. The only hope that I could grab onto for myself was the knowledge that God loved me; AND that He loved me too much to leave me like this until I was 90. I lived on that assurance alone it seemed like for quite awhile. Sometimes, even now, I have to remind myself of that when I am feeling particularly miserable.
And you know what? God didn’t leave me like that. He didn’t. He didn’t give me an instantaneous healing like I would have preferred, but in His faithfulness He remembered me. I am not as healed as I would like to be yet, but these days I can breathe through my nose more often than not; I take days, sometimes even a couple of weeks now, to go through a box of Kleenex. Rather than a box and half every day. My head isn’t in a constant vice grip of pressure and pain. I have been improving. God is faithful. Even in the midst of the strongest storm, on the darkest night, in the deepest, most lonely place, God is still there, holding me up, hearing my tears, listening to my complaints. He carries me when I am too weary to walk on my own two feet; when the rocks cut and bruise my feet, and holds me still when I have no tears left to cry. He is there.
God will make a way, even when there seems to be no way. He really does work in ways that we cannot see. He sees us where we are and He knows what the road ahead will bring. Each and every day He walks with us through the valleys and on the mountain tops. He takes us as we are and loves us more than we can ever imagine.
Image created by Mel Seeley in collaboration with Google Gemini
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