Grief is….complicated. No matter how much time has passed, it still has ways of making it’s presence known. Sometimes, I’ve noticed that the way it makes it presence known is in feeling a need for control. Which is how it showed up this week, the anniversary week of The Ohana Princess’s passing. It was like, I just had this almost uncontrollable need for a sense of control. This need to make something turn out the way I wanted in a world where so many things have gone awry from the way I thought they should go.
When my insurance company failed once again to approve a medication refill, they found themselves at the other end of my need for control. I spent over an hour and a half on the phone, just trying to get something in my life to feel like it was going right. The way that I thought it should go. And I got exactly nowhere. I got off the phone overwhelmed and exhausted.
As I took a few minutes to try and regroup, I felt a Holy Spirit nudge, asking me, ‘Do you think maybe you got a little carried away there?’ I was like, ‘No.’ Again I felt that little nudge, ‘Are you sure you maybe didn’t get a little bit carried away there?’ To which I said, ‘No……maybe.’ Because even though I didn’t say anything to the insurance company that wasn’t true and I didn’t say anything that was inappropriate or impolite, if I’m being honest with myself, I was a little bit too much. I may have even come across as a little crazy possibly.
Once I was being honest with myself, I had to face the truth. It really wasn’t about the insurance company. Even though I have a very real problem with them, that problem is not the one my heart was trying to lay on them. My problem is that I’m tired of feeling helpless against the grief. I struggle with the wish that it would just go away sometimes. It’s too big. It’s too hard. Even though it’s not the big roaring lion that it used to be, it is still very much of part of who I am.
I don’t begrudge my daughter her home in heaven, but here on earth, I miss her so much. I miss her feistiness and her sass. I miss her Listen, Linda routine. I miss her drive to seize life by the horns.
If this is something that you have struggled with as well, fighting the need to battle the grieving emotions please comment below and let me know how I can pray for you today.
Image created by Mel Seeley in conjunction with Chat GPT
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