1. How are you?
For real? How the heck do you think I am? I’m a bucket of sunshine and roses with chocolate syrup on top. Of course not. I’m a complete wreck. I am walking through my situation over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it, trying to think if there was anything that i could have done to have changed the outcome. I’m walking through life rather like a zombie. You better feel lucky if you cant smell me in a negative way. Going through the motions is all I have right now. Come back in a year, or maybe two.
2. They are in a better place.
For starters, you probably dont know that. And if you do, chances are pretty good that I am already aware of that. Chances are even better that I dont need or want a reminder that they are gone from my reach. They are in a better place; wonderful. But what about me? I’m the one aching. I’m the one hurting. I AM the one who needs help now, not my loved one. I dont want to hear from you where they are, the point is, I’m not with them.
3. I know what you are going through.
Are you for real? I cant even believe that those words just passed through your mouth just now. I’m sorry, but you have no idea what I am going through. Just like I have no idea what you have been through. Everyone experiences loss in their own unique way. Every situation is different; every loss has its own unique back story. Some lose their loved one in an instant. Some watch their loved one deteriorate over time. Some were right there and some were a thousand miles away. Each person mourns their loss differently; some have words or moments they wish they could change. The loss in and of itself may seem the same, but the entire history behind it is unique. Please dont take away from my expierence, my loss, by trying to make it fit into your mould.
4. You just need to move on with your life.
The part that i find the most incredible about this particular one, is the seemingly intelligent people that let this one pass their lips. I understand that your people dont want to see you in pain and suffering, but that doesnt mean that other people get to decide how and how long a person should grieve. We lost our daughter after a seven year battle with Leukemia and within just a couple of months I had people telling me that I just needed to move on with my life. They just didn’t get it. You dont just move on with your life after losing someone. If affects your entire life in different ways. For us, we had been living in survival mode for so long, we weren’t even sure if we knew what a regular life could even be like. It was a major shift from the ground up for us. For months we just felt, lost. We needed time, lots of time, apparently more time than some people felt was necessary. But I’m here to tell you, that we needed that time. We needed that time to allow God to work in our hearts again.
5. Call me if you need anything.
Possibly one of the best intended and least helpful comments of all time. I myself have been guilty of this one. Little did I realize at the time how unbelievably hard it is to even pick up the phone after the loss of a loved one. Weeks would pass, and unless I absolutely had to make a call, I didn’t. I didn’t call friends or other loved ones. Even responding to texts might take days. If someone called me I could usually work up enough umph to answer; but to actually initiate a call? Next to impossible. Unfortunately, very few people called or reached out in any way, and that just made it so much worse, so much harder. The depression I fell into is a story for another day.
6. Look for the silver lining.
You want to know what I thought of this particular encouragement? I DONT WANT TO! I’m hurting. I’m in pain. I’m grieving. Now is NOT the time to look for the silver lining! Today I am just surviving. If everyone in my house is alive and was fed today, than today was a success. Dont come telling me to be all happy and holy and look for a silver lining. If its been less than a year, at least, swallow it. There will be a time to look for the silver lining later, maybe. Even now, its like I can acknowledge the “silver linings”, but that doesnt make me all happy and gooey about them.
7. Any statement that begin with, at least………
Stop. Dont go there. Just dont. For the love of all things, excuse yourself and go home. NO ONE wants to hear things like, “well, at least, you got that extra time” or “at least, she’s in a better place” (see number 2) Just stop. This is a fresh wound. Imagine if you would, being shot. How you feel when that wound if new and fresh is not going to be the same as it will be 5 years down the road. It’s still going to hurt and ache and leave its scar upon you, but maybe not with the same burning intensity that it started with. This one kind of goes hand in hand with, look for a silver lining.
8. I went through something like that……….
We all have losses in life. Some bigger or nearer and dearer to our hearts than others. Some of our losses are similar, but never the same. Please dont pour out your sad story to someone who has freshly gone through a major loss. Chances are they are just not able to handle their own pain, let alone someone else’s. And seriously, please dont ever compare your loss of a pet to someone else’s loss of a human being. I know you love your pets, but there is a time and place, and this isnt it.
9. That doesnt excuse your child’s behavior.
We had a day where we were out and about and it was just a rough day. It had only been a couple of weeks since we lost our daughter and the younger kids were just not handing life real well that day. All of that emotion just kept trying to spill out all over the place and they just didn’t know what to do with it, so they were bickering back and forth. This random guy started giving the this “oh, if I was your parent thing” and “I wouldn’t allow my children to act like that”, to my children, mind you. Which isn’t something you want to see or hear on a regular day; but on this day, it was so much worse. But, I clamped a lid down on it and gently told him that they had just lost their sister a couple of weeks ago. To which he responded something like, “what kind of excuse is that?” I about had to pick myself up of the floor at the heartlessness of this individual. I mean seriously, these were kids! I’m an adult and I’m barely able to function. How much less self control is a small human going to have? I told him its not an excuse, its an explanation, and I turned and walked away. Grief affects adults and kids and sometimes I think people forget that. Up to a point I suspect it is probably more difficult for kids in some ways just because they are so young and they dont always understand why this person is gone from our lives and they have no cue what to do with all of the pain and loss that they are feeling.
10. I’m glad you were able to get over it.
This one is for a little further out from the initial loss. For myself it was maybe a year or so after we lost our daughter. It just kind of pulled the rug out from under me really. I dont think I even responded to the person I was so blown away. Get over it? Why would you even say that? What about my conversation with you would even bring that to your mind? Like what, oh she’s looking pretty good today, her clothes match, her hairs clean and she’s smiling, therefore she must have just “got over the loss of her daughter. You know, that one that she spent 7 years trying to keep alive.” No big deal. Ya no. That is not a thing. You never “get over” the loss of your loved one. You get up each day, you keep moving, life continues on; but you dont “get over it”.
Obviously this is by no means a comprehensive list of all the dos and Dont’s when talking to a grieving person. Try to look at it as more of a guideline and encouragement to think about what you could say instead of blurting out a stereotypical response. At the end of the day though, reach out, dont let the day pass by because you are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Just reach out, let them know you are thinking of them, send a random card that says thinking of you, whatever little thing you can to just be there.
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