A couple of years ago, after struggling with grief and exhaustion after the loss of our oldest girl, I was placed on antidepressant medication. At the time it seemed like the best choice to help me make it through. And it do think that it served its purpose. Made it through this rest of that year and into the next. I stayed on it when I had a double mastectomy and found that I had had breast cancer for the second time. Continued with it through my battles with infections and surgical delays. Stuck with it through 2020 because honestly, at that point I was afraid to not take it. But then 2021 rolled around and I got a bit of a wake up call that it was time for a change.
Change doesnโt come easy sometimes at the best of times. When you having been โsurvivingโ on antidepressants, after awhile, the concept of change can become a whole bunch of, I dont want to. And maybe a little bit of, you cant make me. Thats about where I was at when 2021 started. But then I started a Bible study that opened my eyes to the realization that something wasnโt right in me.
Now, I imagine you might expect this to be the part where I tell you about how I had this amazing spiritual transformation and Jesus set me free and healed me and I didnโt need antidepressants anymore. Well, throw that expectation out of the window, because thats not how it worked out. Rather, I got mad. Or to be more precise, I didnโt get mad enough.
If you ever get to know me very well, you might begin to use words such as passionate or just plain opinionated, to describe me. If youโve known me in the last decade or so, angry and/or bitter might also have made that list. (Itโs been a really rough decade to say the least.) But regardless of that, being lackluster for opinion is not something I have ever been accused of. Especially if it something close to my heart.
Studying Gods Word and seeking the Lord is important to me. I fail constantly, just to let you know. Very human. However, I dont let that stop me from holding tight to โwhat I know to be trueโ in Gods Word, AND being firm in utilizing only the most accurate, close cut versions of the Bible that I can find. Not to long ago, I heard someone ask if there was a Bible verse that you found frightening. Well, I first read this one as a kid, and let me tell you, it got my attention.
โI testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues which are written in this book; and if anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away his part from the tree of life and from the holy city, which are written in this book.โ
โญโญRevelationโฌ โญ22:18-19โฌ โญNASB1995โฌโฌ
Ever since then I have tried to make it a priority to check out the origins of the โBibleโ versions I have come across. Now, Iโm my purpose today is not to convict you on specific Bible versions. I will save that for another day, lol. I just wanted to illustrate how deep this conviction is for me. And normally, (I use that term loosely.) I would get to a certain level of upset and passionate when someone, especially a leader, gravitates away in lets say, a rather paraphrase direction. And even if, I hold my peace and say nothing, it still chews away at me and brings up these passionate feelings.
So, when this type of graviton occurred during the Bible study, and I found myself struggling not only to care, but found myself questioning why I was even bothering with the Bible study in the first place, I began to realize something wasnโt right. After the study the one night, I found myself with this deep nagging thought that something was wrong, and that I needed to figure out what. I couldnโt figure it out at first. It nagged at the edge of my mind the rest of that week until it finally clicked in my mind.
I didnโt care enough. It was as if something inside of me was muffled. In my brain, I KNEW I should care, I KNEW how I had previously responded to things like this, but I couldnโt find it in me to feel that way. Then, once I thought about it, I began to suspect other areas of my life were being affected by this apathy as well.
So, I made an appointment to talk to my doctor and we began the process of reducing my dosage of medication. Which seriously, for me, involved only taking the night dose. (This is not medical advice, each person is different, you should always consult with your doctor before making any changes.) That lasted for a couple of weeks, by which point I knew for sure, it was time for a change, and I quit taking them altogether.
It only took that couple of weeks for me to be sure that it was the medication that had been muffling me. And as I have realized since then, it wasnโt just muffling my emotions. Since the medicine has been working its way out of my system, Ive been able to think clearer. My creative juices that had seemed dried right up have begun to slowly trickle back to life. I have laughed. When did I quit laughing? I didnโt even realize I had until I found myself in the middle of an asthma attack from laughing too hard. I have noticed things about my kids that I was oblivious too before.
And one more thing, I may have been muffled, but it hadnโt stopped me from feeling wrong at the lack of depth in my grief for our daughter. It was like I was still grieving, still hurting, but with a degree of separation that just seemed wrong. It felt like I was trying to forget her. Once the meds worked their way out of my system I didnโt have to worry about that anymore. Because I found that that ache, that loss, is still a burning pain that lives inside of me. And maybe this sounds wrong, but that was a relief. That pain, that missing her, is a part of who I am now. Iโm not forgetting her. I will never forget her. But now, I remember how much I love her. It was time for a change.
I dont know what you are going through today. Maybe like me, youโve been through a lot, been put on medications and you just dont know if its the right choice for you anymore. Maybe youโve been feeling a wrongness inside and you dont know why. Maybe you have been through a lot and you are overwhelmed. It feels like you have oceans of emotion threatening to carry you under. Wherever you are in your journey, it may be time for a change. Maybe that change will be adding medication to get you out of the ocean. Maybe that change will be changing of eliminating medication. If any of those are possibilities, know this. You dont have to be afraid or ashamed. God loves you and He can and will work in you with or without medicine. He will be right by your side and you dont have to worry about tomorrow. You dont have to know if this is something you are going to need for the rest of your life. You only need to worry about today.
โDo not worry then, saying, โWhat will we eat?โ or โWhat will we drink?โ or โWhat will we wear for clothing?โ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. โSo do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.โ
โญโญMatthewโฌ โญ6:31-34โฌ โญNASB1995โฌโฌ
Maybe for you change will be reaching out and reconnecting with a loved one. Maybe it will be stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing something new. Whatever the case, wherever you are in your journey, ask yourself, is it time for a change? It may not be easy, but it will be worth it. The night is always the darkest before the dawn.
Base Photo from: https://www.istockphoto.com
Leave a Reply