Can I die? Can I please just die? My body hates me. It’s plotting my demise. I just don’t want to. Yeah, I know I still have a lot more things I need and want to do before I die and all, but, Oh My Goodness. My type 2 inflammation is flaring up soo bad today. It’s awful. Despite my many times of coating my sinuses with triple antibiotic to try and protect the lining of the inside of my nose, that one spot that always gets, I don’t even know what it is, a sore, a raw spot, I don’t know. That spot that just sets off my entire head is totally irritated today. It’s as if there was a tiny little man inside of my head between behind my nose and my right eyeball and he’s got a hold of a nerve or something attached to the inner right side of my nose and the root of my eyeball and he is just in there yanking on them. And every time, my eyes just start pouring tears, I sneeze and sneeze and sneeze some more. The one time today I think I sneezed five times in less than thirty seconds. Just one right on top of each other. Nose starts POURING drainage out of it and trying to think is about an act of Hercules. It’s awful. I don’t know how I lived like this every day for so many years. I know the answer to that is God, but seriously, how? How have I made it through this long? Day after day after day. For YEARS.
It’s no wonder that now when I don’t feel this way and I don’t have much of a headache, that my brain feels like it is hopped up on sugar and caffeine. My brain just doesn’t even know what to do with itself when my head isn’t completely under attack. Some days, when I’m feeling decent, it seems like brain is like…. Let’s just think about EVERYTHING! All at once. Right now! Anndd GO!!
“I’ve been fighting with one hand tied behind my back. What happens when I’m finally set free?”
It kind of makes me think of the Captain Marvel movie when Carol says, “I’ve been fighting with one hand tied behind my back. What happens when I’m finally set free?” I feel like I can identify with that mindset. I have spent years feeling like my energies, my mind, my potential, has been held back, stifled by the pain and symptoms in my head and my body. What could I do if I were finally set free? Apparently part of that answer is try to learn how to cope with all the thoughts and noises in my head. Which is maybe why at this point God hasn’t healed me all at once. He probably thought that I would just go crazy. Like some kind of comic book supervillain. Maw haha!!
In this moment, despite my suffering, I am struck by what a contrast my life is now, since getting my diagnosis and beginning to take Dupixent and what my life was like before. To think that I used to feel WORSE than this on a daily basis is almost incomprehensible to me. And I LIVED it. For YEARS. How am I still alive? How did God drag me and my free will through so many years of this and manage to still keep me alive and going? It boggles my mind. But, I guess it is said best in 2 Corinthians:
“And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NASB1995
Now, I’ll be honest with you. I’m not sure that I personally could say that I am ‘well content with weaknesses’ or ‘distresses’ and the other things mentioned above. But I will say, I have been weak. Very weak. And I have wanted to give up countless times so that I wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore. If it were left solely up to me and my human flesh, I don’t think I ever could have made it through the first year. Let alone all of the years that followed. But God. God has been my strength every single day. Carrying me through when I literally have had no strength of my own to continue on. So I will boast about my weaknesses. Because it has been through my weakest moments that I have been most assured that God was there as my Rock, my Strength, my Hope and He IS my salvation.
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