Grieving is a weird thing. On some level you think it is going to mean that you will ‘miss’ that person forever. But that’s not what it feels like. There are times when you ‘feel’ like you are missing them, but that feeling of ‘missing’ them isn’t all the time. Instead, it is like this deep black hole that lives deep inside of you and is trying to suck you down into its abyss. It is a soul crushing ache that makes you want to curl into a fetal position as if that will somehow stop it or make it better. You don’t do it though, because on some level, you know it isn’t going to make a darn bit of difference. You search for something to block the hole, you look around for something, anything, that will stop the pain or muffle it at least, but nothing does. You don’t try and drink it away, because on some level, you know that it won’t work. All you would be doing is picking up that glass over and over until you ended up on the floor, because deep down, you know that you can never drink that pain away. It’s this awful deep aching mess, that drives you to lash out at those around you, as if to blame them for this ache inside of yourself that cannot be stopped. You just want it to stop. You just want the pain to go away. But there is nothing in the world that can slap a bandaid on it and make it go away.
You hold onto that pain because without it, you don’t even know who you are anymore. You hold onto it, because without it, you are afraid. Afraid to let go. Afraid of taking that next step. Afraid of forgetting. Forgetting everything they are and were and could have been.
A little piece of them lives inside of you.
But you won’t. You won’t forget. You will hold their memory in the pocket of your heart and you will carry them with you wherever you go. They may not be with you in body. But a little piece of them lives inside of you. Their image will forever be engraved upon your heart and in your mind. And each day that you speak their name, tell their story, share their heart, is another day that you honor that memory of everything that they were, everything that they are and everything they could have been.
God help us all as we struggle from day to day. Our hearts broken, shredded like a cheap suit after a lion attack. We feel like our hearts can never be whole again.
Please Lord, be the stitches that pull us back together. Be the strength in our hearts and help us to find to courage to take Your hand and trust again that You have promised to go with us wherever we go and that You will be our stronghold and our safe place. You are my port in the storm and I will rest in the shadow of Your grace tonight. I thank You and praise You for all You are and all that You have done for me. Amen.
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